‘Masterpiece Mystery’?

Good heavens — you quit your obsessing over all things British television for a year or two to go off and try to be a productive member of society (no, it DIDN’T take, thank you for asking), and you miss a televisual act of cannibalism that, quite frankly, would be more at home between the covers of my other book (The New Horror Handbook, and again, thank you for asking).

It seems back in January the helpful souls at PBS decided Masterpiece Theater needed some sprucing up. Polarization being all the rage these days, they opted to separate that nearly 40-year-old institution into three seasons throughout the year. So we now have:

Masterpiece Classic (Jan. to May): Like Coca Cola Classic, it’s essentially all the costume dramas you remember this series for — a lot of Jane Austen characters waiting around for the right to vote, earn a living, and to never again see a dance floor after their first marriage.

Masterpiece Mystery! (Summer): Ah, the very act of cannibalism to which I was referring at the outset. Here we find all of the mystery series that once had an entire year to unfold. I distinctly remember the groundwork being laid for this shotgun wedding back in 1995 when Prime Suspect 4 was shoe-horned into Masterpiece Theater, presumably for budgetary reasons. For all the Charles Dickens and Jane Austen characters who regularly inhabited that space, it must’ve been a bit like training one’s replacement. Fortunately this year we get the inevitable Inspector Lewis series, which sees everyone’s favorite Inspector Morse sidekick play the crusty detective with a heart of gold. The latest news? On May 15th, Alan Cumming (X-Men: X2) was announced to be the host for Masterpiece Mystery.

Masterpiece Contemporary (Fall): Here we will find stories that take place in modern times. First up: The Last Enemy, which “follows a group of characters — including a scientist, an aid worker, and a desperate father — who are each trying to deal with crises in their own lives when they unwittingly get caught up in a global mystery.” Admittedly pretty vague stuff. Still, it stars Robert Carlyle (Cracker: “To Be a Somebody,” Trainspotting), one of the best British actors of the day.

While these changes are all very wonderful, one can’t help feeling something like the parent of a child who has just entered those awkward teen years. Only yesterday they were such sweet, enjoyable creatures. And now? Now you just hope they won’t dabble in drugs, knock over that antique vase, or resort to cannibalism. Oops, Masterpiece Mystery, too late.